Spilt Wine

"The pain made the city more beautiful. The story made us different characters than if we'd showed up at the ending an easier way. It made me think about the hard lives so many people have had, the sacrifices they've endured, and how those people will see heaven differently from those of us who have had easier lives."
- A million Miles in a Thousand Years.

A Soccer Prayer

During Gracie's soccer game yesterday, our team found ourselves in a familiar situation. It was the fourth quarter and we were losing 7 to nothing. I huddled the girls together for a little team meeting. As I was discussing strategy with the little five year olds, the shiest and most petite girl on the team spoke up and said "Coach, why don't we pray for God to lets have a goal?" I said that was a great idea. So there on the soccer field six little heads bowed in silence as I prayed for God to give us an opportunity to make a goal. I have to admit that I was disappointed that the pray went unanswered.

The book that speaks truth.

I can’t tell you how many times I have opened my Bible in hopes to find an answer to a question or problem only to find nothing of the sort. Then again, I can’t tell you how many times I have found what I believe to be answers to questions I have had and have found comfort in the wisdom the book holds. Of course, there have been other times when I have read my Bible seeking an answer to a problem only to find something (a piece of truth) I really did not want to hear; as the saying goes, the truth hurts at times. And then, there are those rare times when you happen to randomly open up a Bible and find something that seems to be exactly what you needed to read or hear at that precise moment. I remember once, before I was a believer, I was at a college party at someone’s house, while their parents where away. While consuming unreasonable amounts of alcohol, I found myself in the family room. There sitting on a coffee table was one of those old Family Bibles that was larger than the Yellow Pages phone book. I opened the large leather bound book and the book open to Proverbs 20, where verse one read: “Wine is a mocker and beer a brawler; whoever is led astray by them is not wise”. Needless to say, I didn’t drink for the rest of the evening.

More recently, Friday night I was in a Church hall attending a meeting when I picked up a Pew Bible. I randomly opened of the book, which lead me to James. Just like that night at the party, there was no real reason for me to open the Bible other than it was there. As I began to read James, the words cut deep, as I myself have been struggling with a variety of relentless issues, struggles and problems. I found comfort and assurance in what I read. “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does”.

With that, I am reminded to hold fast, endure and trust, all of which I will do.

A.A. Quote of the Week:
"When my friends failed me, there was nothing left but God.
When my marriage failed, there was nothing left but God.
When my family left, there was nothing left but God.
When my money was all gone, there was nothing left but God.
When I was lonely, there was nothing there but God.
When my heart was broken, there was nothing left but God.
When I was out of answers, there was nothing left but God.
When life treated me unfair, there was nothing left but God.
When my loved ones disappointed me, there was nothing left but God.
When I disappointed myself, there was nothing left but God."

Living Amends

Unfortunately, we don’t always have an opportunity to make our amends to others and in those cases the best thing we can do is make a living amends. A couple of years ago, during Jason’s last days, I did something that I have felt terrible about. I am the kind of alcoholic that once I start drinking, I don’t stop until I am good and drunk and ready to pass out. During the week before Jason’s passing, I along with other friends and family, took turns staying with Jason in his room, feeding him morphine every hour to easy the pain of his cancer driven passing. One particular day was very emotional, and like always, I retreated to the bottle and started drinking. I continued to drink through dinner and throughout my shift in Jason’s room. Jason being in morphine induced comma didn’t know any different and neither did I at the time.

I hated myself for doing such a thing for a long time because of a couple different reasons. One, I had open up to Jason about my drinking problem a year earlier, and though at that time, for a short period of about two weeks, I did appear to regain some control, but when I fell off the wagon, I dared not tell Jason about it because I did not want to disappointment him and honestly, I did not want to be held accountable. Second was because when I was packing for my trip to Jason’s, I considered packing wine in my suit cases like I normally did when I stayed with him. However, this time I told myself that I had no business drinking at Jason’s out of respect and that I needed to be sober the last few days of his life so that I could help take care of him. Well, I ended up drinking every night I was there. Jason passed on July 25, 2007. I got sober on July 7, 2008, and unfortunately, I was never able to apologize to him for letting him down and making him believe that I had over come my addiction, when in fact I had gone right back to it.

A few weeks ago, while speaking with my sponsor, he explained to me what a living amends was. He said that we are not always able to make our amends to others and the best thing we can do is make a living amends which is living out our life in repentance of our old ways.

Ironically, I received my first one year medallion on July 25, 2009. After I received the chip I could not but think that this little metal coin was a living amends to Jason and in some small way I redeemed his death day with a birth of my new life which he helped inspire me to stride for.

Letter to my A.A. Friends.

Well Friends, it’s been 361 days since my last drink. I have so many emotions stirring in me as approach my first AA birthday. First of all, I am excited and extremely proud. I am also at the same time, humbled and blessed knowing that first of all, the obsession to drink was removed by God (may I forever remain thankful) and that through this program, which I feel is divinely inspired, I have been freely given the tools, support, love, and encouragement, from all of you, to fight the good fight and remain sober. And lastly, I am flabbergasted that I am about to embark on a year without alcohol. I never thought this would be possible.

I have grown so much of the course of the last year. In so many ways have learned to live all over again. I have learned to feel pain and to endure and work through it. I am learning to speak from my heart and actually communicate with people, especially my wife; I am learning coping techniques; I am rediscovering a whole new level of trust in God, and I have to come to respect and love myself again, something I lost many years ago.

I want to thank all of you for your friendship, support, stories, and most important of all, the example each of you have displayed. Each one of you, along with several others, has made an impact on me. I could have never stayed on this journey, let alone start it, if it was not for the open arms of this community and the examples each one of you has displayed. Thank you for not drinking; your strength in the matter has made me strong. There is Great Strength in numbers! I wish there was a way for me to show you all how truly thankful and grateful I am for you. You are all dear to my heart and I have the outmost respect for you all.

It’s funny to me how people react when I tell them that I am an alcoholic and that I attend A.A.. I told my father Monday night and his reaction was pretty much par for the course with everyone else I tell. He gave me a weird look and didn't know exactly what to say except that he didn’t know I had a problem. I could sense the awkwardness. It’s always awkwardness when I tell people. Sometimes, I swear I can hear crickets chirping in the background during the awkward silence that falls after telling someone of my past addiction. That is probably why no one ever talks to me about it. They don’t know how I guess. What’s ironic about the whole ordeal is that no one ever talked about my drinking, though plenty knew I drank too much and now on the other side of the fence, still no one talks about it. The white elephant remains. That is why my meetings are so important to me, because that is where my disease is openly talked about and I am constantly encourage to fight on, live on and love on. I rarely get that from other people except my wife. Even Christians, get weirded out. Actually, Christians seem to be the most judging, which is odd and hypocritical. They don’t actually say anything verbally, they don’t have to. I see it in their body language and the distance they establish after I tell them. I find it disappointing that instead of rejoicing over the miracle of recovery and healing, they see me as damaged and a liability, as in the back of their heads, I could return to the old. Then again, I could be wrong about this and all of this could be just in my head. I don’t know; it’s just something I feel when I do share myself and my journey thus far.

A.A. quote of the week:
" We don't care how the jackass got into the ditch, we just care about getting the jackass out".