Spilt Wine

I have been searching for the big idea for the last month. You know what I am talking about, the "BIG IDEA"! The answer, the direction you are going to lead your life towards, the money maker, so on so forth. I have been trying to come up with ways to make more money; business ideas;job directions; and have even reevaluated my passions. I have come up with a couple of thoughts, but no "BIG IDEA".

Thought number one, there is no easy money.
Thought number two, my passions have dulled. I am passionate about my family and faith but what I am really doing to cultivate that passion? What about the passions I use to have? What happen to those? People, Music, Conversation? Where did they go? I think I still like those things...
Thought 3, perhaps coming up with a business idea is LESS about trying to find an easy way to make money, rather MORE of having a dream and having the desire to make that dream come true. Wanting to make easy money is not a real dream. Its a fantasy and doesn't exist.
Thought 4, I should at least put half the effort I make in trying to come up with the "BIG IDEA" into seeking what God's will for my life is.

I recently came to the conclusion that perhaps Grace and Judgment were two sides of the same coin. Without truth, judgment and consequences, there would be no Grace, because there would be nothing to forgive, and we know forgiveness is an extension and act of Grace. I guess it is a matter of spiritual maturity on behalf of the believer to take inventory, listen and abide by the Holy Spirit and to pursue Holiness. However, it is essential to understand that our pursuit of Holiness is not a means of gaining His love and acceptance, rather it is in response to his precious Grace he has extended to all.

I think Paul said it best when he wrote Romans 6.1-4 “What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means! We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? Or don't you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.

I read this quote a few weeks ago, which I really like.

“Love can forbear, and Love can forgive…But Love can never be reconciled to an unlovable object… He can never therefore be reconciled to your sin, because sin is incapable of being altered; but He may be reconciled to your person, because that may be restored.”
-Traherne. (Problem of Pain by C.S. Lewis)

Last week, I took one of the kids incarcerated at the juvenile boot camp to the Army Recruiting Center to take the Army Enlistment Test. When we arrived, the recruiter I had been working with was not available. The make the situation worse, the person giving the test did not want to give my guy the test because he was incarcerated. I felt bad for the kid because all of the sudden he became to subject of whispers and stares. After ten minutes of debating with me, the lady giving the test reluctantly conceded and allowed my kid to test. Three and half hours later, which I spent reading twelve chapters of a Larry Winget book, my kid walked out of the testing room along with the other hopeful soldiers. To my appeasement, and the test giver’s surprise and amazement, my kid (the juvenile delinquent) scored the highest in the class. After she had unofficially graded my kids test, her whole demeanor and attitude towards my kid changed. She was full of praise, politeness and grace, none of the which, she had shown when we first arrived.

Afterwards, I took my kid to Starbucks for a coffee before we returned to the boot camp. It was beginning to rain and coffee seemed like a good way to celebrate his success. It was only the second time ever in his life he had had a Starbucks coffee. I encouragement to continue with his process of trying to enlist in the armed services, but not to keep his hopes up to high. I told him that if the Army denies his application based on his juvenile record, he should seriously consider enrolling in a junior college because his test score proved that he was smart enough to go to college. I also told the kid that he had value and that he needed to always remember that. I explained to him that the lady giving the test was rude, obnoxious and cold towards him when we first arrived because in her eyes, he had no value. All she saw was locked-up punk who probably was not smart enough to pass the exam and had no business even trying to enlist in the Army. However, after he had tested the highest in his testing group, all of the sudden he had value, which is why her attitude had changed towards him. We talked about first impressions, attitude and commitments, which all contribute to value, which he replied “ I want to be valued”.
We all do…

"The pain made the city more beautiful. The story made us different characters than if we'd showed up at the ending an easier way. It made me think about the hard lives so many people have had, the sacrifices they've endured, and how those people will see heaven differently from those of us who have had easier lives."
- A million Miles in a Thousand Years.

A Soccer Prayer

During Gracie's soccer game yesterday, our team found ourselves in a familiar situation. It was the fourth quarter and we were losing 7 to nothing. I huddled the girls together for a little team meeting. As I was discussing strategy with the little five year olds, the shiest and most petite girl on the team spoke up and said "Coach, why don't we pray for God to lets have a goal?" I said that was a great idea. So there on the soccer field six little heads bowed in silence as I prayed for God to give us an opportunity to make a goal. I have to admit that I was disappointed that the prayer went unanswered.

The book that speaks truth.

I can’t tell you how many times I have opened my Bible in hopes to find an answer to a question or problem only to find nothing of the sort. Then again, I can’t tell you how many times I have found what I believe to be answers to questions I have had and have found comfort in the wisdom the book holds. Of course, there have been other times when I have read my Bible seeking an answer to a problem only to find something (a piece of truth) I really did not want to hear; as the saying goes, the truth hurts at times. And then, there are those rare times when you happen to randomly open up a Bible and find something that seems to be exactly what you needed to read or hear at that precise moment. I remember once, before I was a believer, I was at a college party at someone’s house, while their parents where away. While consuming unreasonable amounts of alcohol, I found myself in the family room. There sitting on a coffee table was one of those old Family Bibles that was larger than the Yellow Pages phone book. I opened the large leather bound book and the book open to Proverbs 20, where verse one read: “Wine is a mocker and beer a brawler; whoever is led astray by them is not wise”. Needless to say, I didn’t drink for the rest of the evening.

More recently, Friday night I was in a Church hall attending a meeting when I picked up a Pew Bible. I randomly opened of the book, which lead me to James. Just like that night at the party, there was no real reason for me to open the Bible other than it was there. As I began to read James, the words cut deep, as I myself have been struggling with a variety of relentless issues, struggles and problems. I found comfort and assurance in what I read. “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does”.

With that, I am reminded to hold fast, endure and trust, all of which I will do.

A.A. Quote of the Week:
"When my friends failed me, there was nothing left but God.
When my marriage failed, there was nothing left but God.
When my family left, there was nothing left but God.
When my money was all gone, there was nothing left but God.
When I was lonely, there was nothing there but God.
When my heart was broken, there was nothing left but God.
When I was out of answers, there was nothing left but God.
When life treated me unfair, there was nothing left but God.
When my loved ones disappointed me, there was nothing left but God.
When I disappointed myself, there was nothing left but God."

Living Amends

Unfortunately, we don’t always have an opportunity to make our amends to others and in those cases the best thing we can do is make a living amends. A couple of years ago, during Jason’s last days, I did something that I have felt terrible about. I am the kind of alcoholic that once I start drinking, I don’t stop until I am good and drunk and ready to pass out. During the week before Jason’s passing, I along with other friends and family, took turns staying with Jason in his room, feeding him morphine every hour to easy the pain of his cancer driven passing. One particular day was very emotional, and like always, I retreated to the bottle and started drinking. I continued to drink through dinner and throughout my shift in Jason’s room. Jason being in morphine induced comma didn’t know any different and neither did I at the time.

I hated myself for doing such a thing for a long time because of a couple different reasons. One, I had open up to Jason about my drinking problem a year earlier, and though at that time, for a short period of about two weeks, I did appear to regain some control, but when I fell off the wagon, I dared not tell Jason about it because I did not want to disappointment him and honestly, I did not want to be held accountable. Second was because when I was packing for my trip to Jason’s, I considered packing wine in my suit cases like I normally did when I stayed with him. However, this time I told myself that I had no business drinking at Jason’s out of respect and that I needed to be sober the last few days of his life so that I could help take care of him. Well, I ended up drinking every night I was there. Jason passed on July 25, 2007. I got sober on July 7, 2008, and unfortunately, I was never able to apologize to him for letting him down and making him believe that I had over come my addiction, when in fact I had gone right back to it.

A few weeks ago, while speaking with my sponsor, he explained to me what a living amends was. He said that we are not always able to make our amends to others and the best thing we can do is make a living amends which is living out our life in repentance of our old ways.

Ironically, I received my first one year medallion on July 25, 2009. After I received the chip I could not but think that this little metal coin was a living amends to Jason and in some small way I redeemed his death day with a birth of my new life which he helped inspire me to stride for.